On September 13, 1996, we welcomed Lindsey's empty frame into the world. Her spirit had already been welcomed into Heaven. Although I wasn't old enough to know all the details of those days, two things I remember - the tears and the funeral.
My memory of the hospital room is foggy. Like watching a film through a blurry lens. I vaguely remember standing next to my Aunt Molly, who knelt by my mom's hospital bed. I remember watching the tears roll down their cheeks. And I remember asking, "What's wrong?" I don't think it had hit me yet.
I remember the funeral, or at least parts of it. We sang "Jesus Loves Me", requested by Lauren, who was two at the time. The other songs, the message, the people, and the flowers decorating the stage escape me. But I remember clearly when the funeral ended. I looked over to my Aunt Molly once again, but asked this time, "Does Jesus really love me?" In my heart was a battle. The year before I had been certain of His love for me. I even asked Him to save me. But now that He took my baby sister from me, I couldn't be sure. My Aunt Molly graciously told me, "Yes, He loves you...very much." She must have known how I doubted His love by daily asking Jesus to save me, because she went on to assure me that I only had to ask Him to save me once. His love was forever. It never ceased. After that day, I never asked Him again.
Looking back 13 years later, I know for certain that in those moments when I thought Jesus had forsaken me, He was loving me more than I could know. His hands were holding me. His arms were sheltering me. His grace was sustaining me.
I thought then that God didn't love me, but now I'm confident His love was with me. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for His love comforting me in that time. If to do it over again, I would change my heart's cry to "I trust God's decision." Why? Because what God was doing then caused me to fall more in love with Him, to trust Him more fully, and to look with greater hope to the glories of His presence in Heaven, where there will be no more death, no more crying, and no more pain. The love of Jesus is stronger than the grave. It was her death that showed me how boundless and how eternal His love really is.
If it means walking through the valley of the shadow of death, Lord, take me there.
2 messages:
Thanks for sharing this Leslie. Very encouraged by your faith!
-Pei Ling
Malaysia
I know how you feel. I went through something similar. And although God is glorified in ways we may not want, it is His will.
Amen Leslie.
Thank you for sharing.
And happy birthday to Lindsey.
~David
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